“I wish the ring had never come to me, I wish none of this had happened” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
~J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring (movie adaptation)
Yes, I realize I am giving myself away as a huge nerd. Nevertheless, this quote has been rolling around in my head so often over the past few weeks. More than ever, I find my heart drifting to this fictional conversation. Its resonance plucks a deep cord within my soul in a way that good stories only do when all other mediums fail.
My heart has felt heavy and fragile. I find myself hyper-focusing on menial things I can control.
“How clean is the house?”
“Have the plants enough water?”
“Has ‘x’, ‘y’ and ‘z’ been accomplished today?”
Some days I feel like Shadrack, Meshach and Abednego – emboldened, unafraid, confident to say “Our God is able.” (Daniel 3:16-18) While other days I feel like Jonah – lacking perspective, despairing at the smallest inconvenience, and a desire to hightail it far, far away.
I think the biggest grief in all of this is just how much space cancer is taking up in my life. I love beauty and wonder. I love talking about other people and what’s bringing them joy or stirring their curiosities. I love talking about desires and dreams, the way the rain smells in summer on the hot pavement, or the latest book you’ve been enjoying. I love laughter and joy.
But lately I am so easily crushed, discouraged and in tears. Plans are cancelled, children get sick, expectations are unrealistic or unmet.
Where do I go in this very tumultuous season? “My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:2)
I’d finished reading II Corinthians and was on to Hebrews (another fave) when I was encouraged by a dear friend (indirectly) to read the Psalms. Correction: to pray the Psalms. It’s been comforting and also given voice to a lot of raw feelings I have.
In this season, however, there are a lot of beautiful, hidden away stories from Scripture that shine forth when I’m in despair: Jesus asleep on the boat while the disciples wonder aloud, “Do you not care that we would parish?” Hannah’s way of praying so fervently that she was mistaken as a drunk who had perhaps partied a little too hard. And on and on. It is the power of reading about the mingling of the very human with the mystery of the Almighty that has me at the edge of my seat. There is an immense amount of comfort in knowing I am truly not alone and my life, though it may feel crazy, is not out of control.
I am also learning in this season how to draw you all near. It can be hard to say, “I’m sad.” Or to talk about what’s going on deep, deep down. But please ask. I love good questions. I need community and relationships in a way I never have before. Thank you so much for the ways you’ve shown up for me and my family. It’s no small thing. And it also helps me see God more clearly.
Onto a brief medical update:
I had my first round of chemo last Thursday through Saturday. Every chemo regiment is different depending on your type and stage. They’re giving me five different chemos and one I take home on a pump from Thursday to Saturday (46 hours). I get to sport a very stylish, black fanny-pack that I wear at all times with a little “lemon” looking pump thing (insert life-giving-you-lemons joke here) that is slowly giving me a chemo called 5FU.
It honestly wasn’t that bad side effect wise. I had some nausea that I was able to treat and I had a little fatigue. I had my blood count/levels checked yesterday and everything looked good.
I will have chemo every other week. Here are the dates if that’s helpful for you to know: June 9-11/June 23-25/July 7-9.
We will then travel to MD Anderson and stay July 18-19 to see how I’m responding to the treatments.
Prayer requests:
· Continue to pray for the kids to have a wonderful summer of fun. So far, it’s been a blast!
· Pray that I would have wisdom for some weekly rhythms for myself (relationally, creatively, spiritually, etc.).
· For my emotional health as well as my physical health. With this, that my port incision would be healed more completely before my next treatment.
· For Austin in this season – he’s been doing better but it is still, understandably, very challenging.
Love to you all. I hold you in my heart.
3 responses to “June 3rd, 2022 – The Power of Stories”
Amanda, it’s so encouraging to read your update. I know this new road is incredibly uneven and steep but it seems like you are doing so well, just slowly continuing to climb and trust the Lord, that He knows and is undergirding you with what you need to keep going. Our prayers for you all continue and we love you.
Praying for you all! For healing and strength.
Sweet Amanda, I am praying that the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will surround you like a warm hug. We are praying that the chemo will work and for you to be completely healed. Lovin you sweet girl.