For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
There is really no easy way to begin this. I’ve recognized that one way I want to offer love to others is in the form of protection. I don’t want to cause unnecessary pain or distress. So, this is hard for me.
This past week I had new scans and bloodwork to see how the trial had been going. I already knew it hadn’t been working due to an increase in both pain and fatigue as well as significant swelling in my abdomen. There was a familiar feeling too…it was the feeling I had when I was on chemo. So now if you’re wondering what chemo treatment feels like, it feels like dying. The scans and the bloodwork confirmed what I knew: there was more disease in my liver and in my abdomen. That was the last time I’ll be going to MD Anderson.
I flew home where Austin had already talked to the kids. I was sad at first that he told the kids without me but I also understood – he didn’t want to pretend or fake it around them. When I called Wyatt the day before flying home to see how he was handling the news, he expressed through tears that he was just worried about Claire. “I didn’t have to go through anything like this when I was ten.” Selfless and loving through and through. I’ve been so amazed by him during this terrible season. His faith, his steadiness, both so incredibly powerful to witness and a picture of Christ. To have to leave him and Claire is the hardest thing of all.
Hospice care is coming to our home this week to talk through what their services include. I’m so thankful for them already. Some dear family friends have graciously offered their second home for me to go to when the time is right because one thing I don’t want is to die in our home. The setup there will be so perfect. It has plenty of room for family. And a room with windows on three sides that looks out onto a beautiful field and a magnificent Catalpa tree just a few yards away – this is where I envision being when I breathe my last breath.
I know one of the questions is: “How much time?” I wish I knew, but the impression I received from the doctors is we don’t have time to even wait to opt into another trial. In my heart I feel like it will be a few weeks to a couple months. I hope it’s not when the kids are just heading back to school, but I don’t have any control over these things. (Being a planner and dying aren’t very compatible, I’ve found).
During this final chapter, we are prioritizing family. I come from a blended family and I have four siblings in addition to Austin’s family. Everyone in our family is welcome because I want them near. I need them near now. I know there are some of you who have expressed an interest in visiting and of course I would love to see you all but it’s really tricky to plan and Austin and I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to say when is best for us because we truly don’t know. If you desire to come, all visits will have to be brief – mostly due to energy levels. If a FaceTime call or your support through text, letter or email is possible, that will probably work better. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew how to make sure everyone understood the extent to which I love and cherish them. I want nothing more than to extend honor and gratitude to those I’ve known in this life. My physical limitations are making that challenging though. To help with communication regarding visiting, please contact our friend Nikki either via text: 501-743-5144 or email: nikkiringler@gmail.com. She’ll be able to answer if and when there is a good time.
In regards to what else we need at this time: I really don’t know. I’ve given it my best these past 15 months and now I’m trying to make peace with my reality. I am not scared to die but I am nervous about how much pain is on the road ahead before I pass. I know I don’t have to do this alone and will have the triune God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) with me every step of the way, as well as my incredible family.
Thank you for all your support over these past 15 months and honestly throughout my life. Thank you for praying and caring. I love you.
I’ll leave you with this poem I wrote:
Will you stay with me now
As the road’s clearly marked
Where faith and sight meet
And I finally depart
Will you stay by my side
Despite all the unknowns
Because the storm’s finally ending
And I get to go home
Will you lean in so close
To hear my last breath
It’s really a song
A song about death
It’s not a dark melody
Full of fear or regrets
But a quiet refrain
About how I’ve been blessed
Will you stay with me now
For my final goodbye
Because I’m taking a trip
To my home in the sky
*You can still check here for future updates – they will probably be written by Austin or close friends.
17 responses to “Update June 25th, 2023 Final Chapter”
We have been following all these months. I have no words today. Just know you are in my heart. As I read this, I had a vision of when you and I were children and we were in the sanctuary at Fairlawn Church of the Nazarene in Topeka. My parents had just introduced me to you and your family. My mind jumped to college when our paths crossed again after many many years of not seeing each other. I have very vivid and beautiful memories of Christian challenge and ESU. I’m forever thankful we met. You have the most beautiful sprit, you always have. May God’s peace be with you and may you be surrounded by love and joy for the time you have left. Lot’s of love to you and Austin. ❤️❤️
Amanda, the message was beautiful, brought so many tears to my eyes. I pray for you and your family and I know my brother keith will be there to greet you when the time comes.Love Barbara
Amanda and family- there is nothing I can say or offer to you, except to take solace in the fact that all of us who have been following your journey have you all in our prayers and thoughts. Everything anyone’s beliefs teach us is that you must go through the realms of Hell before entering Heaven. You can now say “I’ve done my time already. Let me in.” You are amazing. You are brave. You are loved!
Amanda, this is Tammy’s sister-in- law , Kathy. My husband, Greg went on the journey you are about to take. He was so brave just as you are. In his last hours we were all there to witnessed him singing Amazing Grace, of course it was hard to make out we knew he was singing to his Heavenly Father.
You are in my prayers, in time Austin and your children will understand the journey you took into Your Father’s heavenly arms. You will always be in their hearts. May God bless your soul. 💕
Amanda,
Daily prayers for you, Austin, and your sweet babies. It is an incredibly beautiful thing to stand both in sadness and joy as I pray for you and them. Your faith in our incredible Father God is a source of encouragement and strength; I am confident countless others will attest to this, as well. I’m honored to have walked ever so briefly alongside you during our time here and look forward to seeing you at Home someday.
I don’t know how to say goodbye, and it wouldn’t be true, anyway, so “see you later” friend.
Love from Kansas and continued prayers for you all in this next phase of your journey.
stranger here, praying and believing for a miracle for you. Praying for strength of heart. May God’s comfort you all.
How beautiful it is to face death with the HOPE of the resurrection. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. May the Lord grant you moments of joy and peace that only He can give.
I was greatly saddened when I read your post, but I was also encouraged by your words of faith. You are leaving a beautiful legacy for your husband and precious children. I will continue to pray for you and for them. Their loss will be great, but so will your gain be great. Praying for peace and even joy as you spend time with them. May all of you sense the Lord’s presence in these difficult days.
I am so sorry. I am thankful that God is with you and your family. They will be ok. You will be ok. We all wish we knew what home looks and feels like beforehand but know that it will be Glorious! This is hard. Please know we are praying for you.
“He is not the God of the dead, but of the living”…dear friend, I am so thankful for the grace of God that has made you alive beyond death. Whether I see you in this body or the next, I look forward to singing His praises together.I sent you a video on Whatsapp that is dear to my heart. Hope that it blesses yours.
We are praying for peace and rest, for courage and relief. May you know His help.
We are also groaning with the Spirit for your family, knowing that He has begun good works in them that He will carry to completion, that He is a tender Father…and even has mothering qualities in Scripture. May He satisfy them in a parched land and bring them to still waters.
We love you.
I am praying for you an’ the family. …For the right words to be said, for the right hugs to be given, for the right amount of time for hands to be held an’ for your children an’ husdand to see God more plainly. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your blog…
Just wanted to send love—you are always a bright spot and we missed you at the reunion
I’ve been thinking about you, my friend. Especially when I drive to my moms house and pass the house you grew up it. I sometimes reminisce on high school times, and how much fun we would have driving to school in my horribly beat up truck. Amanda, you are a brave soul. Not only for yourself, but for your family. Giant hugs girly, I love you.
Praying for you and for your family.
You are amazing and I am saddened beyond words,praying for you and your family.🙏❤️
My heart aches as I read your update and yet your honesty, vulnerability, and faith resound and encourage so many.
I prayed and debated whether I should share the following words because I continue to believe that the Lord can COMPLETELY heal you this side of heaven. I will not stop praying for that until He chooses to take you home.
But, with that said, when I read your post, I was so saddened and decided to take a prayer walk. We have a beautiful trail here with large trees lining the path and providing shade. The path also follows a river and I find it all to be a glimpse of heaven.
Anyway, as I was walking and praying for y’all, I looked up and saw the most beautiful butterfly. It was not flitting and fluttering around but was gracefully soaring effortlessly through the tops of the trees moving among the fresh green leaves. I marveled at this amazing yellow and black creation that glided along with the bright blue sky as a backdrop.
As I watched it soar, I sensed the Lord say that the butterfly was an image of you, Amanda. You are not going to be striving and bound to this earth but you are going to be free and soar effortlessly and beautifully. You will be free, free to soar, free to be at peace, free to explore.
I know this sounds like a heaven image but again, I believe it can be for as long as He has you here on earth! I hope this wasnt hard to read but instead, a promise for you and for your family. Whether you go tomorrow or you go many years from now, you will be free regardless. My love, heart full prayers for you and family.
Hello Amanda, and family. I’m visiting from the Babylon Bee subscriber forum. A fellow bee shared your blog, which I read.
I want you to know that I’ll be praying for you, and your family. Prayers for comfort, healing, peace and confidence in God’s sovereign and good plan. Prayer for discernment in the business to come, that you all see miracles all around you – and hear the groanings of the Holy Spirit interceding for you.
God bless you, and keep you. May his face shine upon you, and give you his peace.